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sum_dum_goy
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Name: Jon
Birthday: 7/6/1989
Gender: Male
Interests: I love watching and learning about different people. Just finding out what makes us each individuals makes life interesting. Just as long as people will talk and let themselves be known of, life can always be interesting. Aside from that, there is always one of my many hobbies. Playing piano, drawing/sketching, enjoying a nice relaxing day, reading manga, watching anime/dramas, or even spending time with friends (even when there is nothing to do and we just don't do anything being bored).
Expertise: I may not be an expert, but I try to look into what a person thinks. Understand exactly what they're feeling and try to think of a way to help them... or predict what they will do (in games of course).I'm also a decent pianist. I've been playing for at least 6 years (just a guess) but I still have a lot to learn.
Occupation: Video Game Programmer
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  LilJonE83
Member Since:
7/23/2003
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| I have two things to touch up on tonight. They are things that I have only just recently began to think about.
The first of the two, which is much more simpler. I really need to stop listening to a certain OST. It's one of my favorites because its very... emotional and classical. The music portrays different emotions so very well that I can't help but let it sway me to its whim. Nonetheless, whether it be a happy or tranquil song from this album... It will always end in depression. Not because I listen to something sad in the album or anything like that, but because it is a constant reminder. A reminder of the closest I had felt to someone. It was an overwhelming thing that seemed to fuel my feelings for this person that still have yet to fully burn out. It's as though I'm a plane flying around the world that has never landed because there are no more airports to land on. I feel as though I'm going to inevitably fall to my doom in a crash landing. I suppose it brings out the worst in me. The part of me that is just all doubt. The part of me that has no confidence for myself at all. What can I say though, that I'll pick myself up? Kinda hard after this part of me considers myself just a broken person. At least by spirit. Things just keep hammering away and I don't know how much more of it I'll be able to take...
The only thing is that I know I have to resist and get through it. It's just the way we have to go as humans. We search for a purpose in life. Something that will grant us a feeling of accomplishment. I'm just not really sure what that could be for me anymore. I've almost completely discounted love from this list of things that I want. Either way I've tried, it feels as though it will just end in failure. I guess this is just the selfish side in me coming out now though. I know if it would ever come down to it, I would be ok with something like a long distance relationship. It's not like I haven't had to experience something similar if not an actual long distance relationship. The only thing is that I realize now that I really would want to be there with that person no matter what. Words are one thing, but you can only truly feel someone's emotion when you are with them. Even if it's talking, there are still actions that say much more than that which can be said. To be there to even hug or embrace them... It's something I would selfishly want if I were in a relationship. It took me a while to finally realize this but I don't think I would be able to go through anything like another relationship where you would show the other person your love in any way you could, and you recieve nothing back.
I'm not mad at that person though, it's just that I suppose I expected a little too much out of it. It was the first relationship I've had that I was willing to give my all. I guess I was just, too serious about it. And I suppose I've made the last disaster the second. Thinking about it chills my bones and twists up my gut. It makes me feel so scared of ever trying anything like that again that I would rather die. I would rather end the suffering I put myself through than to try and work toward that happy ending that anyone would want.
I'm starting to change slightly. Before it used to be just a hate for myself, but now it is growing to become a hatred of others. Even if it is an unneeded or unwanted hate towards people who do not deserve it, I slowly begin to form these emotions deep within my consciousness. If I were to continue like this, I really feel as though I never will be able to let myself love another person outside of family again. I am not talking about a simple crush or just a few feelings but actual love. Something that makes the other person the most important thing in your life that you would cherish with all you have. A term that you should never use very loosely, especially with the way society is now throwing it out as though it is a simple greeting between a man and a woman. That is something I learned from my last relationship, and I'm sure I'll never make that mistake again.
I've said in the past, "You can't break what's already been broken." Of course then you can say something like "broken things are meant to be fixed." but I have something to say to that. "If you break something enough times, it will eventually become irrepairable." I wonder if I've hit this point yet or not. I have a long life ahead of me, so that would be sad if I were to hit it so early, huh?
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| So today was like any other day. I wake up about an hour before class, find out that I'm not really learning much from those classes yet again (although in my math class I'm learning quite a bit =D). Dinner really didn't agree with me. Ugh, why did I have to get a pizza! It being so greasy didn't go down well... I can still feel it sitting there.. ugh.
Anyway, I ended up skating after dinner. I usually do this as a stress reliever/way to deal with horrible feelings at the moment. It helped and it didn't help today. It helped as in it was my stress reliever but I felt those horrible feelings while skating around. Kinda like this.
"Yet again, I'm skating out here in this cold weather. I feel so stupid sometimes, as though I'll always be out here alone. I don't have anyone to really care if I get sick or not while doing this. I mean hell, why am I skating in this freezing cold in the first place? It's always been like this anyway. I'm always skating around here in the dead of night anyway. Its not like anything will change. This is real life after all."
Eventually I get to the park and just for the hell of it I feel like swinging on the swing set there. The only problem is that the playground was all small rocks (NOT SAND! I WISH IT WAS SAND SO VERY BADLY!). I can't just take my skates right in there so I end up going barefoot and swinging for a while. For some reason I got those "that would be so hilarious if I met someone this way" feeling. To make a friend or something like that from swinging in the dead of night. Yeah right though, that kinda stuff doesn't happen in the real world at least lol.
So after swinging and getting off, which really HURT since its bare feet against super cold and small rocks. Nonetheless, I don't regret doing that because it was fun to swing. Although it kinda did remind me about when I confessed to twinneh. Hahaha, I guess there's just something about the swings that appeal to me. It's so simple yet so easily fun. It's also the reason why kids stay skinny. Aside from running around and everything, those swings make you use your abs lol.
Nonetheless, I do my usual negative thinking on the way back feeling lonely like usual. Getting back was fun though since Brian, Ernest, and I were trying to out do each other by showing youtube videos in our room and you had to top the last person's video. Tonight's theme was "dancing". I think I won XD. All in all, it wasn't that great a day but it wasn't horrible.
Also, thanks Yufei for cheering me up. I needed a reminder to why I'm usually happy ^_^
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| I take a weekend to stay here in the dorms. I plan on relaxing, and enjoying it for what it can and will be. I was going to beat valkyria chronicles this weekend too! BUT NOOOOO! Apparently there are some connection problems with the new TV that brian got and my ps3. So I go out and buy a new AV cable thinking "It just might be the cable that doesn't work" but nope, theres no change. Now I'm pissed. I went out, wasted money, came back to find out that my ps3 can't connect to that super huge tv, reported about the leak in our bathroom, checked the room one floor above and no one was in, had to deal with rotimi coming in and him trying to mooch off more shit while I'm already pretty damn mad, and now I wait because if I continue I swear to god I am going to throw my phone as hard as I can against the wall (I was fighting the urge to do so earlier ¬_¬).
I swear to god what the hell is up with this week!?!? I mean, I get sick, the whole love thing, classes (but this is a constant thing each week), I had to skip kendo because I was sick, and surely there is more to come! Goddamnit and I can't even go out for a good dinner anymore because I don't have a job. This is really just pissing me off so much. I really hope Robbin doesn't visit me here in the dorms because she'll have a really mad/annoyed/not my normal self friend to say hello to.
I can't even get myself to watch an anime or drama since I'm so damn pissed. If I were to watch one litre of tears it would just make me even more irritable instead of sitting there with a clear mind able to fully enjoy the drama. =____=;; I need some dinner already damnit....
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| I feel as though I should revive this old book. There has been a time when I would add more and more to this blog. At times it would surprise even my family that would read. At this point though, I know no one really reads these anymore. No one that used to use this that I know much anyway.
Today... Was sort of like a... how can I say this. A glimpse of both worlds that I live in. On one hand we have the part of me that can enjoy every moment despite whatever may happen. Then on the other hand, there is a part of me that has no desire to even want to stay here in this world. A part of me that deems nothing worthy of staying alive to see. This is a dilemma that I've faced many times over, but I think its about time I find that middle point.
You see, this all starts from something we call love. It really isn't that great to be in a one sided kind of love. Despite how much you love the other person, if they already have someone to confide in. Someone that they have chosen to love. There is nothing you can do. Well, at least there is nothing I can do. I suppose this is what people refer to as feebleness. I just have no will to try to break something like that apart because I care for her happiness. I just suppose I wasn't able to do that. That and someone beat me to the punch.
I've taken the time to stop everything and tell myself that it's time to move on. At least I had taken the time to do so. That was before I recently learned that she had a boyfriend. That was the point in which I've been looking for. A truth that I've been striving to find. The cover up was that she was too busy with life to be with me. In truth I guess she had her eyes set on someone else after breaking up with her last boyfriend.
Let's skip ahead back to today. I'll digress more about this problem when I get the time, but its already 3 in the morning. So today I finally decided to get back on FFXI. It was fun for the time being. I helped my friend find a monster although we failed miserably waiting twice the time it was supposed to spawn. So instead we duo'd together. Mid-way another friend had "asked" if we wanted to party. Although the way he put it, it was really kinda rude but he is like that sometimes. We kill a few things, die a few times... the usual whenever you play an online rpg. It wasn't until he finally just hit my limit.
I know as friends we are able to joke around and say things that we don't mean toward each other... but you know, if you hear something enough you just might believe it. At one point he had said "he is that kind of guy" after I said "I'll put in effort if I feel as though it's worth it". I know he didn't mean anything but this just made me feel inadequite. The idea of this statement just made me feel as though I was just a slacker that had no motivation to do anything. Hell, even just being called a jerk (which happened throughout the night) over and over even though its a joke really hurts. Especially to a person who once would try to never act mean towards anyone, especially his friends. What really hurts is the fact that he did all this knowing that *points to what I mentioned earlier about the whole one sided love* was bothering me and depressing me this week. I trusted him as my best friend to know at least what to not say to someone that had been depressed. I guess I was wrong.
It's not like I'm seriously mad at him. I'm more upset or annoyed with that fact. I've felt confused, depressed, suicidal, as though I'm crazier than everyone else, and just plain idiotic this past week and he thinks insulting me in a joking way is going to help? The fact that after I said I was leaving walking away from him in game and not saying anything to him wasn't a big enough hint that he was the one that caused it all? This is the thanks I get for being there for him? While he was going through tough times with his girlfriend, and I was there to help mediate between them both what their true feelings were in the end? I suppose there is nothing I can do about it in the end.
Haha, my roommate had said this once and I guess I'm the one saying this now. " I feel as though I really don't have friends." They may be people I know and talk to but sometimes it just feels as though I am truly alone in this world. That there is no one out there that will truly understand and never do anything to hurt me. Each time I think that a person might be the one to do that, friend or lover, I am always sadly mistaken. They end up either betraying my trust in one way or another or breaking my heart. It sometimes feels as though I had been tossed aside like a rag doll so much that my heart (towards friends and love both) seems just completely broken. So much that I feel as though it may be irrepairable despite whatever may come in the future.
Then there are other times, where it feels as though they will always be there no matter what happens. I mean, I know I'll always be there whenever they need the help... Just as long as I know they need help, I'll be there in whatever way I can manage. But sometimes its as though... They don't seem to care after a certain point. Sure, some people can sit there and say "You're a man, suck it up!". I know because I used to say that alot. I'd tell friends and myself to do so and I just can't do it. This is the reason why I feel as though being so sensitive and a guy is such a stupid combination. Nonetheless, I can't change what I am now. I can't always "Man up" or "Grow some balls" as some people would bluntly put it.
As I sit here, I wonder if the people I've talked about will end up reading this. I'm considering putting a link in facebook just to let people know I keep this and confine to my xanga in those darkest of times. That way people that care to read about what my true thoughts about everything and why I am the way I am can try to understand. That someone would do to me as I would try to do for them. I suppose I can't get my hopes up too much though since I realize I'm not that special. The world doesn't revolve around me, but I would like to hope that I am important enough to a few friends that they would read this.
To those that did read this, thanks. I appreciate the concern you give and I hope I can repay it in some kind of way. Until the next blog (hopefully which won't be so depressing), I need some rest. It isn't the smartest thing to stay up until 4 knowing you're sick and have class the next day. Despite that, it's something I had to do. Call it an impulse I suppose. I just hope tomorrow really isn't a worse a day as today.
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| The days just seem to keep going by now. The more I yearn for something, the longer it feels to achieve it. After achieving that, I have to wait even longer. Its almost as though there won't be an end to the insanity. Because things like this happen, I sit here thinking about it making the wait that much more longer. Patience... I've been holding my own as far as patience goes but it feels as though I'm starting to break. There are some days in which I can't even smile nonchalantly as I usually do anymore because it feels as though the hole that I've been living in has grown as though almost being ripped open. Almost ripped open like a when you have to dig deeper into a big bag of potato chips. Eventually that small hole has turned into the whole top being forced open until that bag of chips becomes empty and hollow. Despite all of this, there are still times when I've still searched for a few chips and found a couple crumbs left at the bottom to help quell this feeling deep inside. Nonetheless, it really just seems like one of those depressing times of the year in which I just can't take it anymore. Given time, I'll probably find another drive for my happiness... forced happiness... or whatever keeps myself still smiling. Haha, maybe I'm just too boring of a person or possibly I don't have a strong enough personality to deal with the small things that seem to be able to slap me in the face...
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